


cold feet

by nauticalwarrior



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Whump, anxious!shizuo, apologetic!shizuo, at least i think this counts as whump???, injured!izaya, izaya gets his ass kicked, probably shizaya later, well more like kinda drama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-08 14:26:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3212477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nauticalwarrior/pseuds/nauticalwarrior
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izaya and Shizuo are fighting. It doesn't goes as planned for Izaya, and Shizuo gets cold feet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. taunts and mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> please excuse this fanfic its probably awful. also its my first drrr fanfic so yeah.

        Izaya strolled down the street, a wide grin on his face. He really loved his job; a good day of observing and manipulating  was always great . Not only that, but he made money from it.  He was in Ikebukruo at the moment, much to the would-be chagrin of a certain imbecile. Nevertheless,  Ikebukuro was just a small part of the areas he worked in, and nobody would keep him out. Izaya giggled at the thought of how angry Shizuo would be if he knew  the Izaya was here . As Izaya rounded the corner, he caught a glimpse of blond hair and blue sunglasses. Speak of the devil.

        "Hey, Shizu-chan! I've come to visit~" At Izaya's voice, Shizuo looked directly at the informant, his face turning red. Shizuo was just too easy to rile up sometimes. It almost made him boring. Almost. 

        "Izaaaayaaaaa! What the hell do you think you're doing here?!" Shizuo grabbed the trash can next to him, and the crowd melted away like ice on a summer day. Izaya let his face move into his trademark smirk. 

         "Wow, so rude. I just wanted to say hello!" Izaya put a little bit of false innocence into his voice, and put one hand on his hip. Shizuo didn't respond, simply growled like the monster he was and lifte d the trash can above his head. He tilted back slightly, and threw the metal trash can through the air. Izaya waited until the last moment before dodging, letting the metal wastebin crash into the sidewalk. 

         "Hey, you missed! Can't see through those sunglasses, Shizu-chan?" Izaya grinned wide and laughed a bit, trying his best to piss off Shizuo as much as possible. He could see Shizuo's fists clenching and watched as he reached for a lamp post. He could be so predictible, boring at times. 

         But Shizuo didn't grab the lamp post. He charged at Izaya, running across the street with mont ur ous vigor. Izaya turned around and ran, not thinking twice. He had honestly expected the blonde to throw something else. The slight surprise was both entertaining and annoying. Izaya turned into an allyway, trying to lose Shizuo sooner rather than later. He may be faster than Shizuo, but he knew that he was inferior in stamina. Izaya hated this fact, but would not allow himself to be caught because of it. There was little doubt in Izaya's mind that Shizuo would kill Izaya given the chance.

        The alleyway that Izaya had run down ended abruptly at the next street over. Izaya turned onto the sidewalk, not particularily in the mood to get hit by a car. That was Shizuo's job. Izaya laughed aloud at that thought. He should arrange for that to happen again sometime soon. 

        "Flea!" Shizuo's voice was about as far behind him as expected, and Izaya laughed as he responded.

        "What, you can't keep up? Catch me if you can!" Izaya giggled and turned down another alleyway, his mirth echoing off of the walls on either side of him. 

         And in front of him. Izaya slowed to a stop in front of the wall, chastising himself. He had been so caught up in thought that he had gotten himself trapped. It was a good thing he could fight. Izaya turned to face forward, and saw Shizuo running forward, a stop sign in hand. He groaned aloud. "Really, you were running with a stop sign? You're stupider than you look, and that's really saying a lot." He mocked him, but Izaya would kind of prefer to not be hit with a stop sign. It wasn't exactly on his to-do list  for today . 

          "Looks like you're trapped, flea." Shizuo had slowed to a stop, facing Izaya. He still had the stop sign. He slung it over his shoulder is if it was lightweight and smiled. "I think I'll finally kill your obnoxious ass."

         "Oooh, that's a pretty big word for somebody with such a small brain. Did you plan that one out?" Izaya grinned. Shizuo grunted and pulled the sign off his shoulder, holding it like a baseball bat. Izaya backed away as he swung, narrowly dodging the red metal. The sign struck a wall beside them and Shizuo swung it again. Izaya tried to step back again, but he met the wall. The distance he had covered wasn't nearly enough, and the stop sign slammed into him, throwing him into the wall beside him. He tried his best to stay upright when he hit the wall. His right arm and side burned like flame, but he smiled wide. "Wow, Shizu-chan. You've gotten weaker." Izaya laughed and reached into his pocket, closing his hand around a familiar switchblade.

         "Says he guy who just got slammed into a wall! You're dead meat, flea!" Shizuo dropped the stop sign and charged at Izaya, his hands closed into fists. Izaya slashed out with his knife, slicing Shizuo's arm neatly. Shizuo growled and grabbed at Izaya's arm. Izaya tried to move it away, but  a sharp pain in his arm slowed him.  H e was caught. Shizuo slammed his arm against the wall, and Izaya felt his muscles disobey him as the knife clattered to the ground. Shizuo grabbed Izaya's collar and held him up. "I've caught me a flea."

          "I think you'll find the correct word is 'myself'. You've never been great at grammar, have you?" At Izaya's taunt, Shizuo let out a feral snarl and slammed Izaya into the brick wall. Izaya felt pain explode along his back and head, and he saw pinpricks of light in his vision. He kicked out, ready to stop playing, but his legs felt much weaker than they usually were. Thrashing agaisnt Shizuo's grip, he realized that he might actually be trapped. 

          "I'm gonna kill you, flea." Shizuo slammed Izaya into the wall once again, and Izaya didn't just see stars. He saw all of outer space, black and colors flashing through his vision. He didn't let it show though. 

          "Weak~" He smirked and giggled. Shizuo hissed and punched Izaya in the chest. Izaya could hear the bones cracking. He gasped for air and began to cough. Pain filled his vision and he coughed weakly. 

           "No so weak now, huh?" Shizuo punched Izaya again, this time in the nose. Thick, hot, blood poured down Izaya's face and onto his shirt, onto the ground. Izaya coughed as blood slipped down his throat, sputtering to get air into his lungs. He didn't see the next punch coming as it hit his chest. This time the blood came from his insides, not his nose. He coughed and gasped, feeling as if he had breathed in glass. Suddenly, the grip on his shirt collar was released and he slid down the wall, crumpling on the ground.

           "Oh fuck." Izaya barely registered that it was Shizuo's voice. "Fuck." He felt a foot nudge his side and wondered breifly if Shizuo was going to kick him to death. "Shit!" Izaya heard beeping and felt no kicks. He wondered why he wasn't dead. Then it occured to him that Shizuo wasn't the cruel type. 

           "Got cold f-feet, S-shizu-chan?" Izaya's voice gurgled slightly with blood, but he managed to get out the taunt. 

           "Oh my god. You're still conscious." Shizuo sounded almost panicked and Izaya was tempted to laugh at him. Shizu-chan couldn't see it through. Izaya heard a soft beep.

           "Celty, please get over here as fast as you can." There was a  slight  pause before Shizuo spoke again. "I'm just down the corner from Russia Sushi, I was chasing the flea and I fucked up. Please, hurry." The phone clicked shut and Izaya sighed.

           "Hey, flea. Look at me." Izaya pried open the eyes he didn't remember closing. 

           "S-s-shizu-chan." Izaya thought he sounded almost dead. He felt like it too, blackness creeping up on him, the pain slowly fading.

           "Hey! Don't you fucking pass out on me!" Shizuo grabbed his shirt front and Izaya heard somebody whimper. He squirmed and heard whimpering again, realizing he was the one making noise. Izaya kind of wanted to say something mean, but he couldn't think and he couldn't move. His eyes were heavy, so heavy, and exhaustion pulled at his limbs. “Crap, flea! Stay awake! Help's coming, so don't you dare die on me!” Izaya didn't process the words and his eyes slid shut, darkness filling his mind.

  


 


	2. slightly broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> izaya was honestly surprised that he was still alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy crap i actually got a response to the first chapter thank you to everyone who read this! this second chapter's shorter, but i want to get it out quick for the people who read the first one.

He was in pain. Muffled speech and sharp, clear pain greeted Izaya as he drifted into consciousness. His chest throbbed with pain, burning like a lit candle over his heart. His head and nose hurt as well, but the pain didn't even compare to how bad his chest hurt when he breathed. Slowly, he peel his eyes open, only to be met with painfully bright light. He groaned and moved one hand to block his eyes.

“Oh, you're awake!” Shinra's familiar voice was a shock to Izaya. Why was he at Shinra's? Actually, why was he in pain at all?

Memories came rushing back to him. Taunting, running, and failure. Not only that, but Shizuo had spared him for whatever reason. He wasn't here on some visit or for any other nice reason; he was here because Shizuo slammed him into a wall until he was coughing up blood. Izaya opened his eyes and blinked a couple of times. Shinra was standing near him, fiddling with an IV drip that was most likely connected to his arm.

“Hey.” Izaya's voice was hoarse and the word felt like sandpaper. Shinra immediately moved to him and stared down at him.

“How are you feeling?” Shinra didn't look concerned, simply clinical. That had always been the case when he was treating a patient, and Izaya was grateful for his ability to be so detached. Excellent doctors were often turned mediocre by emotion, and the sound of the former appealed to Izaya much more than the latter.

“Like I got slammed into a wall multiple times. You?” Shinra sighed and reached over to a small table, grabbing a glass of water.

“Be serious, Izaya. You've been out for a while and frankly you're lucky you aren't dead. Shizuo could have killed you without breaking a sweat.” Shinra handed the glass of water to Izaya who shut up for once and drank the water, gulping it down. The glass was empty before he knew it. Izaya sighed and flinched when pain shot up his chest.

“Shizu-chan was sweating when he hit me, I'm almost certain.” Shinra threw his hands into the air at Izaya's comment.

“You're insufferable, you know that? You have a concussion, a broken nose, and 5 broken ribs. I had to operate on you because you had a punctured lung and you were bleeding internally. Can't you just act like a normal patient?” Shinra sighed and sat down in a chair not far from Izaya's bed. “I've been up all night monitoring your sorry ass so give me a break.”

“How long was I out?” Izaya forced himself not to be rude. He didn't really have the energy to spare, and honestly he was in too much pain to come up with anything up to his normal standards.

“Four days. Celty, Shizuo and I have been taking turns watching you.”

Izaya's eyes widened just a touch. “Shizu-chan watched me without killing me? That sounds a bit... out of character for him.” Shinra sighed.

“He's not actually an asshole, you know? You two just can't seem to get along. And yes, he watched you. He's still here actually, and he's sleeping on the couch.” Shinra got up and stretched. “I'll be right back, I'm gonna go grab some coffee.”

Izaya closed his eyes and sighed. His body hummed with pain, and his head felt like cotton. But Shizuo didn't kill him. He had been so sure, not even long before the incident, that Shizuo wouldn't think twice before killing him. Yet he was spared. Thinking back, he doesn't know if he'd do the same thing had the roles been reversed. Sure, he would leave Shizuo alive for future entertainment, but he didn't think he'd call for help. Or watch over Shizuo off and on for four days without going home.

“Flea.” Izaya's eyes snapped open and he turned his head to look at Shizuo. He looked tired, with bags under his eyes and his hair wild. He was wearing a t-shirt and shorts that must have been Shinra's because they were too small and lacking in the “covered in blood” department.

“Shizu-chan, you're still here? I thought you would run away after chickening out like that.” Izaya smirked at Shizuo. He knew this was a bad idea, but Orihara Izaya does not like to look weak. Shizuo clenched his hands into fists but didn't move from the spot. His face turned slightly red and if Izaya didn't have broken ribs he'd have laughed at him.

“Sorry.” Shizuo's voice was slightly choked, slightly broken. Izaya swallowed and forced himself not to look surprised. “I-I didn't mean to... I d-didn't think...” Shizuo ran a hand through his hair. “I thought you were playing around, that you were faking to get me good. I didn't think you were... uh... y'know.”

“Dying?” Izaya sounded angrier than he liked when he said that. He wanted it to be a little quip, typical of him, but the way he said it sounded almost resentful. He needed to watch himself better; first he goes and gets beat up, then he's showing emotion in front of Shizuo.

Shinra chose that moment to walk back into the room. He was carrying a cup of steaming liquid in one hand and a bowl and fork in the other. “Uh... hey.” Shinra smiled nervously, looking moderately lost. “I brought you some fruit. If you eat slow, you can start getting used to a normal diet again over the next few days. You two aren't about to start fighting, are you?”

“No.” Shizuo turned and walked out of the room, his face red and his hands wrapped tightly around the hem of the t-shirt. Shinra turned to Izaya, a confused expression on his face.

“I didn't do it for once. Shizu-chan was apologizing.” Izaya raised his arms in a shrug-esque motion, in lieu of an actual shrug, which fell securely onto the list of “things that hurt when you have a broken rib”.

“Huh. That's good I guess.” Awkward silence filled the space between Izaya and Shinra. There honestly wasn't all that much to say, and Izaya didn't feel like saying what could be said. He sighed and looked at the bowl of apple slices in Shinra's hand

“Hand me those, I'll eat some.” Shinra smiled and handed him the bowl and a fork.

“Don't eat too fast, chew as well as you can, and stop if you feel additional pain or nausea.” Izaya smiled a little and stabbed an apple with the fork, enjoying the crisp sound.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave some feedback! also, if you have any idea where i should go with the plot, let me know because i have no i dea where im going with this. (i also take requests so send me an ask on my tumblr, nauticalwarrior, and if im in that fandom ill write it for you)


	3. clutching at the hem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what an interesting way to react

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i really need somebody to beta read my stuff because like 99% of what i write is either really good or really awful. also, i wrote this today but havent read any durarara canon in over a week so its probably horribly ooc (one character is kind of supposed to be ooc, you'll see when you read i think). this also went nowhere near my intended plot, whoops. thanks to grace_logan for the support!

“For the last time, no! I won't give you your phone back until I send your sorry ass home!” Shinra's face was red. Izaya sighed and crossed his arms.

“My job is kind of important, you know. I can't just disappear.” Shinra shook his head and put his hands on his hips.

“You can get back to work in two days, when I send you home. And that's only if you agree to take medicine and call me if you feel sick.” Shinra sighed and collasped into the chair next to Izaya's bed. “I don't see why you have to make this so difficult. Just try and behave yourself.”

Izaya decided to concede for the moment. He uncrossed his arms shut his eyes. “Fine then.” Shinra popped up, instantly happier.

“Thank goodness! I thought I'd be fighting with you over this all day! Celty and I have a date! I'll see you later Izaya-kun!” Shinra ran out of the room, calling Celty's name. Izaya groaned mentally. His friend was... embarrassing. Not to mention stubborn. Izaya could only hope that Namie had been kind enough to send an email notifying his leave to his clients, however unlikely that was. Either way was fine because honestly most of his clients feared him far to much to complain about late service. And it's not like he had much of a choice anyways.

A soft knock at Izaya's door interrupted his train of thought. Who could that be? Celty? He called out to the person behind the door. “Come in.”

The door opened and Shizuo stepped inside. It had been a day since Izaya woke up, therefore five since the initial fight. Shizuo appeared to have not slept in any of those five days. His bartender clothing was rumpled, but there was not blood on either him or his clothing, indicating that he had at the very least showered. His hair was tangled and greasy looking, sticking up around his face at odd angles. He did not wear his usual glasses, and dark circles were apparent underneath his eyes. Shizuo's hands were shaking slightly, and Izaya watched with confusion as one grasped the hem of Shizuo's shirt, tugging at it nervously.

“Uh, I-izaya. H-how are you, f-f-crap, uh, h-how are y-you feeling?” Izaya chose to ignore his opponent's strange behavior and answered as he normally would.

“Like I've been beaten within an inch of my life, thanks to you.” He droned, his voice monotone and his face flat. Shizuo flinched at the remark.

“Sorry.” Shizuo wasn't making eye contact. Izaya made a mental note to do some research later. He thought he knew quite a lot about Shizuo, actually he'd been certain of it. This side of the blonde was unfamiliar to him, and it bothered him.

“Too bad sorry won't get me back on the job any faster.” Izaya said, fake pouting. Shizuo's face started to turn red, and he rushed out of the open door, slamming it behind him. The behavior was still odd, although this at least could be interpreted as anger. He folded his fingers together and reflected on Shizuo's behavior. Difficulty speaking, apologizing more than normal, shaking, and nervous body language on top of clearly not sleeping. It seemed almost as if Shizuo felt guilty for hurting him. Izaya smiled to himself. There was an awful lot he could do with guilt.

“Shizu-chan, are you still here?” Izaya called in a sing-song voice, hoping that the blonde hadn't left. Izaya heard cursing and then the door was practically ripped open. Shizuo's face was bright red and his hands were grasping the hem of his shirt so tightly that Izaya was surprised it didn't tear. “Could you get me my phone? Shinra forgot to give it to me before he left.” Izaya smiled sweetly, forcing himself not to look too evil as he lied.

Shizuo jerked his head in a nod and walked out of the room, stumbling slightly. Izaya covered his mouth with his hand to stifle the giggle that forced its way out. This newer, guiltier Shizuo was going to be so much fun, if not even more fun than the angry Shizuo had been. Plus he was much easier to manipulate, and he could get some work done.

Izaya heard footsteps and looked back to the door. Shizuo stepped inside the room, one hand at the hem of his shirt and the other holding a black flip phone gingerly. He crossed the room in a few strides and held the phone out to Izaya, his hand shaking. Izaya took the phone from him, their fingers brushing each other accidentally. Shizuo flinched back.

“S-sorry, I-I d-didn't...” He paused, and Izaya noted his quick breathing. “Sorry.”

Izaya smirked at him. “What, scared of me?”

Shizuo shook his head and began to wring his hands together. “N-no, I'm not scared of y-you.” He glanced away, his actions betraying the lie in his words.

“You think I'm going to get revenge? Or are you more scared of yourself? Are you scared of how much of a monster you are, Shizu-chan?” Izaya laughed out loud, at the protest of his ribs. Shizuo turned and ran out of the room, slamming the door yet again.

* * *

 

Light flooded into Izaya's room as he tugged the cord to the blinds, opening them. A small pang of pain in his sides reminded him that while he was going home tomorrow, he was in no way back to full health. It had been seven days since he was injured, and Shinra insisted on keeping him for one more night, going back on his promise of “two more days!”. He had Izaya walking around and eating three normal sized meals each day. Izaya wasn't on an IV, but still took a fairly large amount of painkillers without objection. He was feeling a lot better, although bored. His phone had allowed him to work just enough to avoid suspicion, although some of his crankier clients were cross with him, complaining about his excuse of “working on interesting something for another client” and his degrading remarks. Speaking of degrading remarks and cross people, Shizuo hadn't returned since helping Izaya to get his phone.

“Good to see you up already! C'mon, Celty picked up breakfast from the cafe down the street.” Izaya turned around, surprised that had hadn't noticed Shinra opening the door.

“Sounds good.” Izaya followed Shinra out into the rest of the house, down the hallway, and into the dining room. Celty sat next to an empty seat on one side of the table, across from Shizuo, who had just dropped his fork and was staring open mouthed at Izaya

“I-Izaya? Weren't you supposed to be going home today? Are you a-alright? D-did something h-happen?”

“He's fine, I just want to keep an eye on him for one more day.” Izaya glanced at Shinra, annoyed at first for being spoken for, but then intrigued. Shinra's brow was furrowed and he looked concerned, but not for Izaya. Celty too had her helmet angled towards Shizuo, her tense shoulders revealing worry for the blonde.

“Aww, Shizu-chan's worried~” Izaya grinned at Shizuo and than sat down beside him, scooting his chair forward until his was in just the right place. He leaned toward Shizuo and whispered into his ear, smirking as he tensed up. “Are you worried that you'd end up killing me and proving to everyone else just how much of a beast you are?” Izaya leaned back and laughed, watching as Shizuo stared straight forward, shaking ever so slightly.

“Cut it out Izaya.” Izaya looked at Shinra with an innocent expression. Shinra had a dark look about him, but didn't see angry.

“Cut what out? I'm only telling the truth. Isn't that right, Shizu-chan?” Izaya looked to Shizuo again, watching the blonde squeeze the edge of the table tightly. Maybe he'd throw it, and all would be right with the world.

“Sorry.” Shizuo looked away, and Izaya frowned. The table was quickly filled with awkward silence. Izaya turned back to the table and grabbed a piece of toast out of a styrofoam take-out container and began to nibble on it, watching as Shinra leaned dumped a small container of eggs out on his plate.

“Well, you'll be back on the streets terrorizing citizens tomorrow, Izaya. You want some eggs?” Shinra held out a container to Izaya who shook his head. “Shizuo? You hungry?” Shizuo shook his head and stood up.

“I should get to work. Tom is probably wondering where I am.” Shizuo stood up, hands clutching at the hem of his shirt. Shinra sighed as Shizuo walked out of the apartment. Izaya swallowed the last bite of his toast and leaned back in the chair. This development was interesting to say the least.

 


	4. strawberry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it was just too much for him, and guess what? he knew that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! im not dead, i've just been swamped at school. the first scene of this is from shizuo's pov. enjoy!

Shizuo slammed his apartment door behind him and slid to the ground. He put his head between his knees and fisted his hands in his hair. He needed to calm down, he was alright, everything was alright. His breathing was quick, and he felt shaky and weak. He closed his eyes and saw a woman on the ground and broken bottles of milk. It wasn't like that time, it couldn't be. It was okay, everything was okay. He counted his breaths, forcing them to slow down and even out. Shizuo let his hands fall to the ground and let out a shaky sob. He was a monster; he broke everything he touched. Izaya was right, and he was a wild beast. Every defense he had normally was gone. Izaya didn't fight back that whole time. Izaya wasn't armed. Izaya hadn't been doing something bad.

A knock on Shizuo's door startled him out of his thoughts. He shot up and hurriedly wiped tears off of his face. He opened the door to reveal Shinra in his lab coat. His hands were in his pockets, and he looked solemn, almost determined. Shizuo moved aside as Shinra walked into the apartment, shutting the door behind him. He walked into the main part of the room and pointed at Shizuo's couch.

“Sit.” He sounded angry, and Shizuo almost flinched before he caught himself. He walked over to the couch, wishing his legs weren't shaking. He sat and grabbed the bottom of his shirt, clenching the fabric tightly. Shinra spoke again, folding his arms across his chest. “What the hell is going on with you?”

Shizuo shifted his gaze to the side. “Nothing.” He didn't see Shinra sigh, but he sure heard it.

“Yeah, right. You've been completely off since you beat Izaya up. I may not be a psychologist, but I know enough to tell something's wrong.” Shizuo looked at Shinra and immediately regretted it. Shinra looked so concerned, like somebody worried for a friend, not somebody in a monster's house.

“I just... I should b-be able to control myself better.” Shizuo let his gaze fall off of Shinra again. He didn't want to see Shinra looking concerned. He didn't deserve it, not really. He was the one who beat up Izaya, and Izaya should be the one Shinra was concerned for. “How's Izaya?” He asked to get Shinra to talk about something else, something better.

“I let him go home. He was going through my drawers and taking pictures of private files, so I figured it was time for him to leave.” Shinra laughed. “He heals really fast you know. Combined with his intelligence I'd say he's in the same boat as you. Simon too probably.”

“He's not like me.” Shizuo cringed at how soft his voice was.

“What does that mean?” Shinra had moved forward and now he sat down next to Shizuo on the couch, closer than was probably necessary.

“I-I'm a monster.” Shizuo heard Shinra take in a sharp breath and felt him put a hand on his knee.

“You're not a monster, Shizuo. Sure, you're really strong, but you always try to do what's right. Izaya's probably more of a monster than you are. Hell, I'm probably more of a monster than you!”

Shizuo drew in a shaky breath. “You don't hurt people. You help them.”

Shinra sighed and put his head in his hands. “You know I've hurt people before, and still do. Either way, Izaya's fine, and you need to be fine as well.”

Shizuo looked farther away from Shinra than he already was. He knew that he wasn't any worse than Izaya, but part of him still fought against reason. He felt so awful, so gross, so tainted, and he just wanted to be alone.

“I will be, Shinra. Just let me rest a little okay? I'll be back to normal in a few days.” Judging by the fact that Shinra stood up, he was alright with that answer.

“Fine, but I'll be back in a few days if you don't come visit. I'm not going to let any friend of mine be unhappy.” Shizuo watched as Shinra walked out the door and shut it behind himself.

It was good to be alone, and it was good to know Shinra thought of him as a friend. Shizuo stood up and stretched, his muscles thanking him for the attention. He made his way across the room and to his bedroom, shutting the previously open door as he walked in. Flopping down on his bed, he sighed. He had to try and work this out himself, for Shinra's sake.

It wasn't like he hadn't hurt Izaya before, and Izaya had undoubtedly done far worse to him than he had ever done to Izaya. He had been shot and hit by a truck for fucks' sake. If anyone had deserved a beating, it was Izaya. So why was he so upset over it? Shizuo groaned and rolled over. He knew perfectly well why, and he preferred not to think about that particular topic. Doing so never failed to spark days of crippling anxiety and self-hate. Shizuo was far too tired to think much more, struggling to keep himself awake. How long had it been since he last slept? Thinking over the last few days, had realized that it had been too long, much too long. Sure, inner reflection was important and all, but so was sleep right? He should definitely sleep. He felt himself sink into sleep.

He breaks everything. He even broke Izaya. The thought charges into his head, and how is he supposed to sleep knowing that he could have killed Izaya? He could have killed the kind baker with the milk. If he wasn't careful, he could kill Shinra, or the Orihara twins, or his brother. How could he sleep knowing that he could kill somebody? How was he supposed to deal with that? Shizuo sat up and buried his head in his hands, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. He was a fucking monster. He deserved to die.

Shizuo swung his legs over the side of his bed and stood up. That line of thought was bad with a capital B. He should just take a shower, maybe get something to eat. He shuffled over to his door, his blanket wrapped around his shoulders. That's the plan, he'll just get a glass of water and some fruit or something. He'll eat it and then he'll be okay and he can sleep and tomorrow he'll go back to work. And he'll run into Izaya on the way home, and Izaya will be perfectly fine. Everything will be perfectly fine.

Shizuo, now in his kitchen, opened his fridge. He grabbed a container of strawberries and set them down on the counter. Reaching up into his cabinet, he took out a glass and turned the sink on. He filled his glass and shut off the tap, taking his water and strawberries back to the couch. He sat down, setting the glass of water on the table next to the couch. Taking a deep breath in, he ran his hand through his hair. Looking down, he grabbed for a strawberry. His fingers paused just above the glistening red flesh. He stared at it, his hand trembling slightly. It was red, bright red like the blood of a certain baker, red like Izaya's blood, red like the blood of everything he ever touched. Shizuo knocked the strawberries off of his lap with one arm and put his face in his hands.

* * *

 

Izaya shut the door behind him as he stepped into the dark maw of his apartment. He flipped the lights on and stretched, walking into the familiar room. It sure was good to be home. Shinra had kept him for far too long; if it had been any longer, his clients would be suspicious. Izaya sighed, slumping into the chair in front of his desk.

No, this was his fault. He had been careless. Stupid, even. It was only thanks to Shizuo's mercy that he was even alive. Shizuo. The blonde had been acting... unusual. It was apparent that Izaya's near-death had caused some form of distress in Shizuo, resulting in the stammering mess Izaya had seen at breakfast. The contrast between Shizuo's normal demeanor and this new Shizuo would be worrying if Izaya actually cared about the blonde.

Izaya pressed the power button of his computer and typed in his passcode. He opened the internet and typed into the search box, thin fingers flying over keys. The internet, while not his favorite source, was perhaps the best suited one for this particular scenario. Numerous results appeared on his screen and he clicked on the seventh, reading the article to himself. Yes, PTSD had been his first thought, but it was unheard of for the perpetrator to develop the disorder. Although, Shizuo must have felt awful as a child. Izaya frowned and clicked back on the search bar, typing in another line of text.

The next result he clicked on seemed much more fitting. Chronic depression that had been agitated by the attack. It fit perfectly, and thinking back, Shizuo had shown some of the symptoms before. Depression could cause irritability as well, which no doubt contributed to Shizuo's anger. Coupled with anxiety, it perfectly explained Shizuo's recent change in behavior. Izaya laughed to himself, leaning back in his chair.

This was slightly unexpected, but fortunate nonetheless. The depression could undoubtedly be used as a weapon against Shizuo, and Izaya wasn't about to let that weapon go to waste. But how to use it? Shizuo wasn't the type to sit around and listen to insults, nor would he have a particularly negative reaction to pity. No, Izaya would have to try a little harder than that to use this new advantage to its full potential. The challenge was, after all, why Shizuo was so interesting.

Shizuo's symptoms seemed to have been exasperated by his attack on Izaya. Depression really didn't encompass it all; mood disorder, while vague, seemed a far better turn. Izaya wasn't a doctor or anything close to one. That aside, there must be something about that incident that worsened his condition. It was most likely a simple fear of losing control, but there could also be a parallel in Shizuo's past. Thinking back to research he had done, Izaya recalled reading about an accident involving a baker near Shizuo's house. Izaya smiled and clicked through his files, looking for Shizuo's.

He found it easily and pulled up the information regarding the baker. It seemed as if Shizuo had lost control and harmed somebody he cared about, and that it probably wasn't the first time it had happened. Izaya snickered.

“Poor baby Shizu-chan! Even as a child he was a monster!” Izaya jumped out of his chair and walked over to his couch, taking off his jacket as he sat down. He glanced over his chess board, tapping impatient fingers on the table. “Hmm. How should I represent your weakness, Shizu-chan?” He smiled and picked up a black knight off of the pile of unused piece. He set it down next to the white king and grinned. This information was beyond valuable to him, and he had the perfect plan for how to put it to use.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well... im not sure how i feel about this chapter. i'd really like some feedback because that's what motivates me on fanfics. if you have any ideas that you really want to see in the next chapter, let me know!


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